I may have lost round 1, but I'm still in the fight!

Ever get bad news and think, "wow, 24 hours ago my life was so great, how could things go to shit in an instant?".  That's how I felt when the school district assessor came to my home this week to give us some direction on why my two year old wasn't talking. After an hour of questions and about 10 minutes of visiting with him, she said to me, "I'm very concerned about your son, I'm pretty sure he has autism, do you know what that is?".  Do I know what autism is?  What mother out there doesn't know what it is and is thankful every day that their child doesn't have it!  Only 24 hours before I was the one feeling bad for the mother with the autistic child, now I'm that person.  What the hell just happened?  Oh wait, this must be a horrible nightmare, I'll wake up in a couple of minutes and go back to "my son is just a late talker".

We're at the beginning of process that includes test, evaluations, meetings, and more tests.  I haven't gotten the final diagnosis of autism, but it sure hurts just as much.  When the evaluator told me I went into that ugly sobbing cry that makes everyone in the room uncomfortable.  You know, the one that makes you lose all of your senses and you see your entire life falling apart?  If that woman thought I was crying when she was there, thank goodness she didn't see me when I shut the door and went into full meltdown mode.  My happiness bubble had been popped replaced with fear, anger, and the unknown.  Now begins our journey...

I passed through pity party mode and moved to figuring out exactly what is "autism"? After the first 24 hours of shock and lot of crying, the husband and I started doing research and asking friends, family, and professionals what they thought.  I received shock and disbelief from everyone that autism would even be mentioned, let alone given as a almost certain diagnosis.  With all that information in tow, finally my heart and head are in the same place and I have serious doubts about an autism diagnosis.  He does not have any of the typical symptoms that range from mild to severe autism; rocking, obsessive behavior, repetition, picky eater, poor motor skills, not affectionate.  I believe the lack of speech magnified other personality traits he has and they conveniently fit into a rush diagnosis.  Yes, my son is fearless, busy, likes to jump, has lined his cars up on occasion, hates when his sister touches his toys when he's playing, and is shy around strangers and has limited eye contact with them.  Raise your hands out there if your children didn't like strangers when they were 2!  


I find myself feeling like I'm back in college, except this time I'm doing research that isn't for a term paper, but could potentially determine my son's future.  I've been thrown into a system that even with my minimal exposure appears to be flawed.  Why are we so eager to jump at a diagnosis of autism when our children don't fit just right into the mold of a "normal kid".  My son is highly advanced in motor skills and problem solving, why isn't our first thought that he's gifted rather than autistic?  I'm not saying my school district is like this, but do you know that there is a trend to falsely diagnose autism because there is federal funding for more services with the diagnosis?   I appreciate that we're evaluating our children and their development, but at what cost?  Have we become a society of over thinkers, pushing our children to conform to norms and expectations that we determine to be "normal"?  If the labeling starts as young as 2, what's happening in our schools?  Will my daughter who isn't aggressive and outgoing be labelled a slow learner or lacking social skills because she's not the assertive child that needs attention or validation?  Needless to say, this process has opened my eyes!  


The last four days have been some of the hardest I've ever faced, but I've learned so much in a short time already.  My husband and I are a solid team surrounded by the most wonderful family and friends that keep us going with their support and love and together we will figure all of this out and it will make us stronger.  We will be our son's advocates with unwavering strength and determination, and at the end of the day he is still our baby boy that is loved beyond words. One of the biggest eye openers for us after reading so much literature, is the struggle, strength, love, and determination families with autistic children have.  Of course I don't want my child to have autism, but if he does, there is no doubt the support and love is out there in a community that fights prejudice, labeling, and isolation on a daily basis.

I found this quote that about sums it up for me right now, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." - Martin Luther King Jr.  We stand strong as a family, appreciate what we have, and know at the end we will endure!