Mommy Guilt

If you've never felt mommy guilt, you're not a real mother!  We walk through this craziness known as motherhood with not only the responsibility of raising children, taking care of our families, and managing a house, but with this nagging guilt to add fuel to the fire.  I was raised Catholic which gives me the authority to state for fact that I have an extra dose of guilt that started at St. Mathew's Catholic school at the ripe old age of 5.  The seed that was planted inside of me didn't really come out until the children came out.  Let's not forget how other mother's, relatives, and any stranger can make us feel like a substandard mother. You know, those people that know the right way to raise your children and make you question yourself?!

First lesson of mother's guilt came with my decision to bottle feed and not breastfeed.  I figured it was a personal choice that everyone would respect because it was mine to make.  Ever wonder if people actually think about what they say before they open their mouths? I told someone once that I didn't have the instinct to breastfeed and she told me, "oh, so you didn't have the instinct to feed your baby?".  Wow, thanks for the mommy support and for adding to the inner guilt I already felt!  I would sit in baby class and wonder if all of the other breastfeeding moms felt the same way when I pulled out the bottle to feed my baby.

Guilt!  

Daycare! Nothing can make you feel more guilty than dropping your baby off for someone else to spend more time with than you.  As I've stated before, staying home after my daughter was born was not an option, we needed my income to pay our bills.  I'll admit there were times I would give her a dose of tylenol when she had a low grade fever because I didn't have an hour left of sick or vacation time.  I thought of her all day long hoping she wasn't sick and wondering if the woman I paid $3/hr was comforting my child when I couldn't.

More guilt!  

Balancing my husband, kids, friends, and myself.  There are days I don't want to be around my kids or my husband, it's normal, right?  I cringe when people say, "enjoy every moment".  Really, every moment?  I don't enjoy the screaming, crying, whining, constant touching, and 24/7 neediness.  Sometimes I don't want to read the same book for the 20th time or push the swing for an hour or watch a movie with them while they jump on me.  Did I give my husband enough attention?  When was our last date night?  Are friends mad because I don't return phone calls for days or that I don't want to go out and would rather go to bed?

More and more guilt...

My son doesn't speak!  He turned two in March and can only say a hand full of words.  My mind tells me that it's not my fault, but my heart weighs heavy wondering if I did something wrong to make him delayed.  Is it because I stayed home with him and he had less socialization than my daughter at that age?  Do I read enough books to him?  Do I talk to him enough?  Is there something I could have done sooner?  Make the mommy voice in my head stop!!!

Stack on more, I can take it!

Guilt...what is it really? Maybe rather than a bad thing it's that nagging feeling that tells us someone is judging us and we should stay away.  Maybe it's telling us to enjoy the moment we're in because things can change quickly.  Maybe it's the realization that something needs to change to make our lives what we really want it to be?  Whatever it is we need to learn to live with a little guilt, let go of a little, and ignore the people that try to add more to our lives!  

I'm not fat, I'm big boned!

Let's talk about it ladies, our weight!  Even more importantly, our self imagine and how we beat ourselves up trying to be something that we were before we had children.  I gained 70lbs with my first child and I swore I wouldn't do the same thing with my second, so I gained 80lbs.  What can I say, I'm an overachiever!  I'll admit, after my first child my body went back to mostly normal, but that second one did a number on me.  Think about how your body changes to ultimately produce a human being...our organs are moved, our skin is stretched beyond normal, and let's not talk about the mess our breasts become.  Say it out loud and try to wrap your mind around it, "I produced a human being!".  When I step back and think about the process my body took over those nine months, of course it doesn't look like it did ten years ago, and it shouldn't!

Raise your hand out there if you have a pair or a stack of clothes that you swear you're going to fit into after you lose that last 5, 10, 15, 20 pounds!  When my son was two months old and I weighed in a whopping 256lbs and when I looked in the mirror I didn't like the person I saw, but I also had the realization that the body I had now was never going to be the same body I had years ago.  I sat in my closet one day and looked through the bucket of "I swear I'll wear these one day" clothes, I held them up and realized that even if I hit the same weight, there was no way in hell they would ever fit my hips again.  It was a liberating moment to pack up that bucket and take it to the Salvation Army.  I wasn't the same person on the inside and I certainly wasn't going to the be the same person on the outside, and that was ok.

We try everyday to be good mothers and wives, but most of us look in the mirror and put ourselves down.  I try to tell myself everyday, "this is who I am today, be happy, be proud!", some days I believe it and other days not so much.  Look beyond the wider hips, saggy boobs, and a little more cellulite than ten years ago and see what really matters; the strength we have to be women, mothers, wives, friends and most importantly, us!  We are not defined by the what we see in the mirror or the size 8 jeans we can't fit into, but by our strength, compassion, and love we give ourselves and others.

And the real house wife takes out the opponent with a knockout for the win!

Ever have one of those moments that you feel is divine intervention?  I've always been a person that believes things happen for a reason, but most times it's when I'm reflecting back on a circumstance or event.  Let me also say that I'm not a religious person, and by that I mean I don't believe in organized religion, but believe in God.  The moment I had today felt like God was looking down on me yelling, "Hey, listen to me and that feeling I put in your gut".    Before I get ahead of myself, let me give you an update on our situation and the events leading to my "it happened for a reason" moment.

After we got over the initial shock of being told, after a minimal assessment, that our 2 year old son was autistic, we went into research and questing mode.  When all was said and done, my husband and I landed in a place where our heads and hearts were confident our son did not have autism.  We know our son best and it just doesn't add up!  If we took the limited speech out of the equation, there were no signs of an autistic child, just a typical two year old with lots of energy and stubborn as can be (he may get that from me, but I blame his dad:).  So, with a call to the assessor on Monday morning we opted out of the autism test but wanted to proceed with the other evaluations.  But why was there this voice in the back of my head telling me something still wasn't right with the whole thing.  I chalked it up to nerves and kept the appointment to have our son evaluated by a psychologist.

And that brings us up to Wednesday.  Ever wonder why your kids sleep in only when you have an appointment or somewhere to go early in the morning?  But on the days you can sleep in they're up at the ass crack of dawn?  Yup, that was our morning.  Had to wake the 2 year old boy up at 8:00 for a departure time at 8:20 to get the 4 year old to school at 8:30 and then the psychologist appointment at 8:45.  With limited time and half sleeping kids we raced out the door with dry cereal in bowls to eat on the way.  On time, morning is now running smooth, we're on our way.  Get to school, drop the girl off at camp and head to the door.  Hey, there's one of my 2 year old's teachers, the one who took the initial information for our assessment.  She smiles and says, "how's the process going?".  Front door to the school half opened, the boy behind me, "not really that happy to be honest, the assessor threw out "autism" on the first visit!".  From behind one of the other desks, a well respected school official "can I ask who it was who did the assessment?"  Blood curdling screams from behind me...

I looked down to find my son's two fingers caught in the closing door jam of a very heavy door.  Pull them out to see blood and sever indentations on both of his fingers and they're already swelling.  Three school employees come rushing to help us and take us back behind the desks while he screams in pain.  After a few minutes he calms down, but wants me to hold him while his poor little fingers are bruised and possibly broken.  I had an enlightening conversation with someone who is involved with autism children, knows Cole and I, and is well versed in the process of diagnosing autism.  I won't go into detail due to confidentiality, but I'm sure anyone who sees me at the playground will get an earful.  She opened my eyes to how much control I had in the situation, the pressures schools have to find and diagnose autism, and questioned the process we were currently involved in.  The gut feeling I had that we were going down a path that was not ours became clear.  The whole time we knew what we wanted, his speech assessed, not a psych evaluation or to see an occupational therapist.  Speaking with this trusted professional I realized that I determine my son's path, no one else.  Oh, and sorry baby boy that you had to take one for the team to get Mommy's head out of the sand on this one!

I may have lost round 1, but I'm still in the fight!

Ever get bad news and think, "wow, 24 hours ago my life was so great, how could things go to shit in an instant?".  That's how I felt when the school district assessor came to my home this week to give us some direction on why my two year old wasn't talking. After an hour of questions and about 10 minutes of visiting with him, she said to me, "I'm very concerned about your son, I'm pretty sure he has autism, do you know what that is?".  Do I know what autism is?  What mother out there doesn't know what it is and is thankful every day that their child doesn't have it!  Only 24 hours before I was the one feeling bad for the mother with the autistic child, now I'm that person.  What the hell just happened?  Oh wait, this must be a horrible nightmare, I'll wake up in a couple of minutes and go back to "my son is just a late talker".

We're at the beginning of process that includes test, evaluations, meetings, and more tests.  I haven't gotten the final diagnosis of autism, but it sure hurts just as much.  When the evaluator told me I went into that ugly sobbing cry that makes everyone in the room uncomfortable.  You know, the one that makes you lose all of your senses and you see your entire life falling apart?  If that woman thought I was crying when she was there, thank goodness she didn't see me when I shut the door and went into full meltdown mode.  My happiness bubble had been popped replaced with fear, anger, and the unknown.  Now begins our journey...

I passed through pity party mode and moved to figuring out exactly what is "autism"? After the first 24 hours of shock and lot of crying, the husband and I started doing research and asking friends, family, and professionals what they thought.  I received shock and disbelief from everyone that autism would even be mentioned, let alone given as a almost certain diagnosis.  With all that information in tow, finally my heart and head are in the same place and I have serious doubts about an autism diagnosis.  He does not have any of the typical symptoms that range from mild to severe autism; rocking, obsessive behavior, repetition, picky eater, poor motor skills, not affectionate.  I believe the lack of speech magnified other personality traits he has and they conveniently fit into a rush diagnosis.  Yes, my son is fearless, busy, likes to jump, has lined his cars up on occasion, hates when his sister touches his toys when he's playing, and is shy around strangers and has limited eye contact with them.  Raise your hands out there if your children didn't like strangers when they were 2!  


I find myself feeling like I'm back in college, except this time I'm doing research that isn't for a term paper, but could potentially determine my son's future.  I've been thrown into a system that even with my minimal exposure appears to be flawed.  Why are we so eager to jump at a diagnosis of autism when our children don't fit just right into the mold of a "normal kid".  My son is highly advanced in motor skills and problem solving, why isn't our first thought that he's gifted rather than autistic?  I'm not saying my school district is like this, but do you know that there is a trend to falsely diagnose autism because there is federal funding for more services with the diagnosis?   I appreciate that we're evaluating our children and their development, but at what cost?  Have we become a society of over thinkers, pushing our children to conform to norms and expectations that we determine to be "normal"?  If the labeling starts as young as 2, what's happening in our schools?  Will my daughter who isn't aggressive and outgoing be labelled a slow learner or lacking social skills because she's not the assertive child that needs attention or validation?  Needless to say, this process has opened my eyes!  


The last four days have been some of the hardest I've ever faced, but I've learned so much in a short time already.  My husband and I are a solid team surrounded by the most wonderful family and friends that keep us going with their support and love and together we will figure all of this out and it will make us stronger.  We will be our son's advocates with unwavering strength and determination, and at the end of the day he is still our baby boy that is loved beyond words. One of the biggest eye openers for us after reading so much literature, is the struggle, strength, love, and determination families with autistic children have.  Of course I don't want my child to have autism, but if he does, there is no doubt the support and love is out there in a community that fights prejudice, labeling, and isolation on a daily basis.

I found this quote that about sums it up for me right now, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." - Martin Luther King Jr.  We stand strong as a family, appreciate what we have, and know at the end we will endure!  

One Woman Wolf Pack

Up until I had my youngest son I spent almost 20 years in the work place having little difficulty making friends and finding my niche.  So, when I quit my corporate job filled with friends I was under the assumption staying at home wouldn't be any different.  Wrong again!  It's been almost 2.5 years and I still feel like I'm a one woman wolf pack searching for something or someone to connect with.  Yes, I've made a few friends, been to play dates, but never found felt like I completely fit in.  I questioned myself; is it me? is it them? is it my priorities?  is it my type A personality?  What the hell is it?  Why couldn't I find my place in this stay at home mom world?

I finally figured it out recently at my daughter's first field trip.  My four year old went to princess camp and on the last day they walked to the local nursing home to sing for the elderly women.  My daughter was dressed in her pink princess dress singing "You are My Sunshine" and while I wanted to cry with pure love and pride, I also had an overwhelming realization; this is what I quit my job for!  To have the opportunity to watch her sing in the middle of the day and to be with my kids and enjoy them.  It was eye opening to understand that they're my niche and I don't care if I don't have dozen friends and the approval of the other mothers, because at the end of the day none of that matters.  What matters most is my family!

I snapped out of my junior high scrunchy filled haze and realized I was a 36 year old woman who did not need to seek validation from anyone other than myself. Don't get me wrong, I like to socialize, but I'm not the insecure popular girl who needs to drag my kids from one activity to another so I can feel like I belong. I've found this grown up contentment enjoying entire days with my kids, being proud of a clean house, and ultimately taking care of my family.  My "ah ha" moment made me realize that I didn't need to look beyond my home to find the group I belonged to and my niche has been yelling "Mom" for over two years, I just needed to open my eyes to see it!

Stay at Home vs. Working Mom...who will win?

I was walking down the street, at about 8:00 am, the other day pushing the kids in the stroller when a vehicle passed us.  I looked at the driver and smiled, she looked at me with disdain.  I was taken back by her scowl and glaring eyes when I noticed her children in their car seats and her work attire.  I could have certainly imagined it, but could this be a working mom judging me for what she assumed was one of those "stay at home mom's"?  You know, the one's that go for peaceful walks with their kids, meet up with friends at the park, and have the life of leisure!  Obviously, I could have completely misinterpreted her morning ugliness, but it got me thinking about the age old battle royale; working moms versus stay at home moms!  As always, I'm putting on my hat of "self proclaimed expert" because I've done both.

When my daughter was born four years ago I was a corporate drone, ah, I mean "professional" doing my best to manage the 7-3:30 shift.  For those of you out there that have always stayed home and don't understand how a mother can "let someone else raise their kids", here's a reality check of what it's really like. I can still picture the room I was standing in and the suffocating feeling of dread the first day I dropped my 12 week old baby off at daycare while I went to work.  I cried before I handed her over, I cried all the way to work, and I cried at my desk for the next hour. I learned quickly that I had a full time day job and a full time night job!  I cherished the short time I had with  my daughter outside of work, but cleaning, cooking, and laundry still had to be done.  Vacation days were a thing of the past, every paid day off I got was put toward a sick day, and when those ran out I hoped and prayed that the low grade fever was due to teething.  Work was breathing down my neck to "do outside education, stay late, work on weekends".  Besides work,  I still had to maintain my marriage, friendships, step-children, family, and myself.  Most of the time they got a fraction of the attention they deserved, but it was all I had after working to support my family.  I would get a sick feeling on Sunday nights thinking about having to throw those balls back in the air on Monday morning and juggle all week hoping not stumble over the toys scattered on the floor and watch everything fall out of place.

When my son was born two years ago it felt like two children tripled the work in the house!  About 6 weeks into maternity leave I sold the idea of staying home to my husband and we agreed to give it a try.  Life would be peaceful, I would focus on my family, have play dates with other moms, and be a happier wife and mother.  A reality check for you working moms...staying home isn't all rainbows and sunshine!  I spent two years trying to figure out where to meet friends, in the office it was just a turn of my chair to look at the next cubicle to talk to someone.  The first winter I spent stuck in the house for six months surrounded by mounds of snow and cold weather I felt a little Jack Nicholson in "The Shining"..."all work and no play makes Heather a CRAZY PERSON!".  I texted and called my husband way more than what was acceptable which bordered on obsessive, insisted on his attention when he came home, and ran out the door on girls night once a month.  Friends finally came, but so did the realization that I never got a break from my job! I was with them damn near 24/7 and because of that I became the go to parent for everything. My husband could be standing at the fridge and the kids would come find me to ask for milk.  I used to have eight hours of kid free time, now I was lucky to get an hour a day while they napped.  And contrary to popular belief, I don't eat bon bon's and watch "my stories" while the kids sleep; I clean, cook, pay bills, and anything else that goes into running a house.  Some days involve play dates, cookie baking, and hugs and kisses, but there are days that include a ridiculous amount of fighting, crying, throwing up, runny noses, spilled milk, and "mom, mom, mom, mom, mom"!

Whether you work outside of the home or you're a self proclaimed domestic Goddess, being a mom is a tough job! Until you've walked in someone else's shoes keep your snide "you want someone else raising your children" or "oh, you don't work" comments to yourself, it only causes a greater divide among us, and don't we have enough to manage already?!

Motherless on Mother's Day

I have a love/hate relationship with Mother's Day!  I love that I get recognition for being a mom and step-mom, but I hate the reminder that I'm motherless on Mother's Day.  For those that don't know me on a personal level, you're probably wondering when my mother passed away.  Oh, my mother isn't dead, she lives about an hour away! You know those women who shouldn't have children because they lack anything motherly? Yup, I got one of those, so a few years ago I walked away from a toxic relationship with her.  I've spent years mourning a relationship I'll never have, with a woman who doesn't love me like a mother should.

Geez, enough with the pity party...

Along with my journey of figuring out how to live without a mother, I spent the last five years really thinking about what a "mother" really meant.  I came up with a list of characteristics that I would include in my ideal mother...compassionate, loving, strong, funny, supportive, and giving.  What I discovered is that I have women in my life that have all of those qualities, and although they're not my "mother", I could pull those things I yearned from each of them and fill the whole in my heart.   I have a fabulous group of women friends and family that give me advise when I need it, kick me in the ass when I need it, and love me when I need it.  Isn't that what a mother does?!  If you're an orphan, by circumstance or fate, look at the friends, aunts, grandmothers, sisters you have around you and appreciate the "motherly" traits they all bring into your life.   When you find those characteristics in those around you, you'll soon realize you are "motherless" in name only!

There is one woman I will wish a "Happy Mother's Day" to with an open heart; my mother-in-law! (Pretty sure the husband just passed out in shock:)  Oh, our relationship wasn't an e-harmony match from the start, it took a few years of figuring things out to earn her trust.  A little background is in order; I came in after ex-daughter in law #1 broke son #1's heart, betrayed their family, and took their three grandchildren out of state.  I had to earn my way into his family and just when I thought I had made strides in the right direction....ex-daughter in law #2 broke son #2's heart...and I took a couple of steps back again.

It took the birth of my son to understand that one day I would be in her shoes and have to deal with another woman raising my grandchildren, running my son's life, and figuring out boundaries for all of it.  I realized that my mom-in-law was looking out for me, I just had to open my eyes and see it.  The random gifts she buys my children, the notes in my birthday cards that demand I spend the money on myself, the help when my husband is away working...these are the ways she tells me she loves me and filling the shoes of the mother I don't have.

My Dad always told me, "we can't control others, but we can control our response to the situation".  You can sit around and feel bad for yourself that you're motherless or your mothers not perfect or that you got the cheesy teddy bear from Walgreens & ugly card because your husband ran out Sunday morning to buy your gift...or you can look around and appreciate the awesome women in your life and what each of them gives you.  And for those of you that have a great mother who loves you unconditionally with her whole heart, remember to hug her a second longer, tell her how much she means to you, and appreciate her!

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there who make my life wonderful:)

Water Leaking from the Ceiling of Life

It's Friday night, the husband is out working for the 4th night in a row, storm is in full swing, and I'm listening to the water hit the bowl sitting on the floor.  Oh, let's not forget the little girl sleeping in my bed because she's scared!  At the moment I heard the first drip from the ceiling I instantly go into full panic mode, I see thousands of dollars in damage, and water pouring out of the light fixture any minute.  I wonder in that moment...why do bad things happen to self proclaimed good people like myself?!  Then I say out loud, "we have to have the bad to appreciate the good", and I repeat it over and over and over until I believe it again.

Would I appreciate my awesome husband, who calms me down when I'm in freak out mode, if I didn't have a not so good 1st husband to compare him to?  Nope! Would I appreciate my home if I didn't sleep in my brothers room when I was homeless after my divorce?  Nope!  Would I appreciate staying home if I hadn't been a working women balancing work and family while drowning? Nope!  Would I appreciate my health as much if I didn't see others fighting cancer? Absolutely not!

Cry, throw a fit, call names, have a glass (or bottle) of wine...but after your done with your pity party of one, look around and realize this is just another bad that makes us appreciate the good.  My daughter is already sleeping, the husband is working to pay for the roof repair, and the roof and ceiling with get fixed.  I'm still sleeping under a roof tonight, my kids aren't scared, and I have a husband who works his ass off for his family...a little rain water won't get the best of me:)

My epilogue...

The husband came home at 3:30 am and informed me that our newly planted trees were laying on the ground from the fierce wind and storm.  Ugh!

The next day we found out the trees might make it and the water came in from a vent, not a hole in the roof.  Money spent so far to repair, $0!  I also ran my first 5k of the season with a personal best time!

In the end good wins over bad again, I just had to ride out the storm to see the calm...

10 Things They Don't Tell You at Baby Class!

Remember when we paid our fee for baby class and thought they would get us ready for labor, delivery, and the baby?!  We finished our four weeks of class and thought, I'm ready to have a baby!  Then that first real contraction started...the breathing to relax now became breathing to stay alive, and we wanted a refund of our $35 because no one told you it would be that horrible!  Only after about the first two months did we realize labor was the easy part.  The ten things they don't tell you or aren't brutally honest about in baby class...

1. For most of us, labor sucks!  For those of you who had "an easy labor that really didn't hurt and only lasted for 30 minutes", you're usually the same bitches (I couldn't come up with a nicer word, sorry) who wore your pre-pregnancy jeans home from the hospital.  Heads up, no one wants to hear those stories and most of us want to slap you.  I'm very honest with my childless or first time pregnant friends when I tell them; labor is a pain that can't be described in words, yes,  it's that bad!  There is no amount of counting breathes, sitting on the toilet, taking a bath, or walking down the hall to make it better.  I had a natural birth (not by chose) with my first and drugs with the second (completely by chose), and I discovered that after both paths the reward was still the same, a baby!  

2. Sleep is a thing of the past!  Yes, babies eventually sleep through the night and when you think they're on a schedule, teething kicks in followed by night terrors followed by nightmares followed by...you get the point .  For good measure we'll also throw in some "just because" waking up, just to remind you their still there.  The worst part is when they trick you into thinking they're on a schedule and they firmly reinforce that your control and forced schedule is simply an illusion!   

3. Teething goes on forever and ever and ever...ok, so about two years, but it feels like forever!  Crying at all hours of the day, drooling, diarrhea, and fevers to name a few horrors that go along with it.  It's our fist slap in the face lesson as parents of feeling completely helpless that we can't help our own child and it sucks!

4. Catching throw up in your hands.  I'm pretty sure not everyone does this, but my instinct when the kids are going to throw up and we can't get to a bowl or toilet is to cup my hands and catch it!  It probably doesn't bother me because it's always better than a 3am wake up call with throw up on the walls, carpet, bedding, pajamas, and in their hair.  Refer back to #1, remember when we were just getting home at 3am?  We're still up, but now we're giving a sick child a bath picking hot dogs and macaroni out of their hair from their last meal.

5. Modesty is a thing of the past.  Simple private moments like changing my clothes and going to the bathroom become a public event.  Why do I get up before my family every morning?  Because I want to dress alone and have one pee in peace!  As your kids get older seeing you naked is not a good thing, it ends with questions like "Mom, why is your stomach sticking out? (those aren't my stomach), "Mom, why is your stomach so big?" (that's all you kid).   When my three year old poked at my belly when I was changing one day and said, "squishy squishy", I realize modesty was out the window, but I would like some of my self esteem back thank you.

6. Your body with never be quiet the same.  My stomach is squishy, I have stretch marks, and my hips are wider than before children.  I'm not ashamed of it, I carried and produced two children...oh, and the 70 and 80 pounds I gained with my kids didn't help the matter either.  What can I say, I'm an overachiever:)  Give yourselves a break ladies, we created a human being and we're in the trenches of motherhood.  Consider those stretch marks your battle scars, we earned them!

7. Things you thought would be so awesome to do with your kids become something you dread. I had this Norman Rockwell image of me pushing my kids on the swing (I'm a size 8 with flowing thick hair blowing in a soft breeze) and reading them books with warmth in my heart.  I appreciate that my kids like to swing and read books, but after hours upon hours upon hours of pushing and reading...I can't take it anymore! After the tenth time of "Goodnight Moon" in one day, I start to wonder, why is there a creepy old woman, who looks like a rabbit, saying "hush"?!  And why would I give a mouse a cookie?  Or take one to school for that matter?  Sometimes when I'm pushing my daughter on the swing I think...if I won the lottery I would hire a nanny just to push her on the swing...yup, that's what I would do.  I'm snapped back into reality when the girl yells that I'm not pushing her high enough!

8. There's a trade off.  Before you had kids the meaning of afternoon delight was not a nap!  Remember when going out started at 8:00pm?  Now you have to be home by 8:00pm because paying a babysitter is really expensive and not worth it.  You will, at some point, choose sleep over sex.  Sorry guys, it happens, we're tired!

9. You will talk about poop more than you care to admit.  Your children's poop becomes an indicator for illness, teething, diet and constipation. Poop, poop, and more poop...what color is it? What consistency is it?  Is there blood in it?  Is it too hard? Is it too soft?   It's normal to have poop conversations with your spouse, friends, and family...I even had to bring a stool sample in a double baggie (in my coach purse) to the doctor.

10. You will become your parents!  Phrases like, "because I told you so", "because I'm the mom, that's why", "we'll see", "we're going to discuss this when your dad gets home", and my all time favorite "I'm not mad, just disappointed!".   You can run, but you can't hide from having a little bit of your parents come out.

Even with all the warnings and truth of parenting, most of us would do it again! No one can tell you how wonderful the hugs, kisses, laughs, and cuddling are with your children until you experience it. And in those moments of overwhelming love; all the hard work, stretch marks, and fatigue melt away to the smallest inconvenience not even worth thinking about.  

5 Things I Swore I Would Never Do...but Did!

"I'll never...", I've eaten those words more times than I care to admit!  We all do it, swear we're never going to do something until we realize what marriage, kids, and life in general are really about.  So, here are 5 things (there are many more, but I could write a book) I swore I would never do, but did...

1. Get divorced!  What woman doesn't want to be the princess for the day?  I had the beautiful white dress, family and friends surrounding me, a perfect day...except for the groom.  The problem is when the wedding is the main focus and not the marriage. We've all been to a wedding that we think, "they should not be getting married, it's not going to last".  Yup, I was that person!  When the big "D" happened I became one of those people and only a short time before judged those divorcees as "failures and quitters".  Would I take the big D back? Nope!  I met and married the  most awesome man that I met at a divorce support group.  Internet dating is for suckers, just hit up the divorce groups:)

2. Let kids sleep in my bed.  I'm not a co-sleeper and my kids never slept with us as babies, the youngest never even got to sleep in the bassinet in our room.  I love you little man, but Mommy is way more confident this time around, to your crib for you...see you in two hours!  When did my no kids or dogs in the bed change?  When my 1.5 year old decided his new wake up time would be 3:30/4:30 am, I like to believe that'll do it to anyone.  I would let him lay with me just to get another thirty minutes.  Until your sleep deprived for days upon days you don't realize how priceless thirty minutes can be.  Or until you're a parent!

3. Be a stay at home mom. I was 100% planning to go back to work until my son was born and I realized having two children under two was not double the work, but felt like triple the work.  My employer at the time wasn't family friendly and my daycare situation pretty well sucked.  For an entire year I had this lost, confused, "what the hell did I do" look on my face and I have witnesses to prove it. The image I had of "SAHM's" was completely wrong; I underestimated the stress, and worried every day about breaking the bank giving up an entire income.  Are there days I would like to go back to work?  You bet!  Then I think about monthly performance reviews, outside education, and essentially working two full time jobs and I realize I'll take the tantrums, diapers, and screaming any day over the corporate b.s.!

4. Run. I swore for years I would only run if someone was chasing me with a knife, and that may even be questionable. Last year I decided to finally cross "run a 5k" off my bucket list.  I can say with a smile on my face that I did just that and ran a 5 mile race also.  This year I'm already signed up for two races and have at least two more planned.  I can honestly say I'm not really sure why I like it and on many occasions I've thought of it more as self punishment than a hobby.  But the sadist in me keeps doing it and I have no idea why?  I've spit on myself on numerous occasions, peed myself a little (ok, it may have been more than a little), dry heaved more times then I can count, almost gotten hit by cars, and got so hot during the 5 mile race I started swaying and almost passed out (but I finished:)!  What negates all of that...one hour of complete alone time, pushing myself to new goals, and the overwhelming feeling I get when I see my family at the finish line cheering for me and the rush of personal accomplishment when I cross that finish line.  I suddenly heard Whitney Houston signing "One Moment in Time"...yup, that's what it's like:)


5. Use television as a babysitter.  Raise your hand out there in mommy land if you've never used the television as a babysitter, even for 10 minutes, to get something done?  If you answered "no", you're a big fat LIAR!  When we have our first child we swear we're never going to be "that mother" who puts our kids in front of the tv to go into "the zone" of peace and quiet.  When does that all change?  When they're old enough to move and start destroying your house, but will sit for a couple of minutes (or hours, don't judge me) so we can get something done.  Or when you have more than one and they don't take naps at the same time.  As I'm writing this my daughter is watching PBS kids while my son sleeps.  Should she be reading books or doing a leappad, probably!  She can names at least five dinosaurs and will tell you she wants to be a paliontalogist, thank you evil "Dinosaur Train".   For the honest moms out there, I'll keep your secret if you'll keep mine?!  And for you mommies of babies, never say never!

I believe we have these moments of self awareness to remind us we're not perfect and to not judge those around us because one day that could be us!  If someone would have told me ten years ago I would be a divorcee, remarried, stay at home mother of five children, I would have laughed in your face.  Life takes us in directions we never expect, hold on and enjoy the ride:)

Where do you fall in the crazy range?

I have this theory about women that I usually only share with men because some women (who I'm most likely not friends with) would be offended.  So, if you're one of "those women" stop reading and move onto your next blog about how men are so horrible and your perfect, the one called "I live in dream land with rainbows and unicorns!".  My 3.5 year old lives in that land, she also believes I'm a good dancer, that's how realistic it is!

My theory on women (including myself): every woman is crazy!  I believe that sums it up, thanks for listening:)  Yes, I believe every woman is born with some crazy, but how much determines where you land in the crazy range.  It might sound like a simple theory, but there are more factors than just "crazy", let's not forget about drama, bitchiness, and maintenance that can also increase your level.  My spectrum looks something like this; 1 is the lowest amount of crazy (I like to think it's me, but the husband may disagree) and 100 is the highest crazy you can obtain (you'll hear who owns that coveted spot below). Work hard ladies and you can achieve "crazy" success and drive everyone around you insane!

I started thinking about this when I grew up and realized I was raised by the queen of crazy!  Queen Crazy has always held the #1 spot, some have come close but never dethroned her.  The older and wiser I get the more effort I make to surround myself by women who have very little crazy, maintenance, bitchiness, and drama.  Needless to say, I have very few close women friends and no relationship with the Queen.  My best friend and I have never had a fight, we laugh about other women's self made drama, and understand our relationship is always important even if we don't talk for a week or two.  Two low rated crazies having a peaceful, grown up, loving, drama free relationship...friendship heaven!

The reason I explain this to men is because they need to be honest with themselves about how much crazy they can handle.  We're all bringing some, but you better be willing to accept and work with the amount you take on.  If you date someone who is high maintenance and lots of crazy, don't complain when they bring all of that and more into your relationship.  This applies to women as well! If you surround yourself with friends that makes drama and has a high crazy rating, either accept it or move on.  My husband knows how to handle my crazy...I'm a low maintenance girl who will call him an asshole in the morning when he's mean to me in my dreams, threaten to put voodoo curses on fishing, and tell him if he ever thinks about leaving me I get our friends in the divorce (they were mine first:)!  I like to consider this a "good crazy" because it doesn't involve any crying, screaming, or pouting.

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter where people land in the crazy range, what really matters is knowing how much crazy your willing to let into your life and taking responsibility for it.  You choose the amount of crazy you let in! 

Ladies, embrace your crazy and surround yourself by others like you!  And men, be honest about how much you can handle, not every man is brave (or stupid) enough to take on a top grade crazy.

To quote Forest Gump, "crazy is as crazy does"!

Walking on the Mommy Tightrope!

Balance! It's such a simple word, but in reality it's probably harder to obtain than my goal weight.  We struggle as mothers to take care our family and ourselves, fighting back the guilt along the way.  When I go out I always call home to make sure everyone is ok, when the husband is out fishing I think he might forget he has a family all together while in the fishing trance, "Heather who?...ohhh, big fish!".

I'm one of those control freak mothers that trusts very few people with my kids, so dropping them off at a gym daycare is out of the question. I'm sure they're dependable people, but if I haven't known someone for at least six months and done a background check on them (yes, there is a free website to do criminal checks and if your friends with me I've probably looked you up!) they're probably not watching my kids.  So, I've taken up running after the kids go to bed or getting up at the God forsaken time of 4:45am to get 30-45 minutes of alone time.  Just me, the beautiful stars, the birds, and the mace clenched in my right hand for the poor s.o.b who stops to ask me for directions...I may have read too many true crime books in college!

Back to fishing (my husband is now actually reading this and not just scanning it)...when the husband is fishing there is nothing better then watching a movie I actually want to see and there is no compromise involved.  I can pick out the most ridiculous chick flick, maybe put the kids to bed a few minutes (or an hour) earlier, and scoop up a big bowl of ice cream I'm going to regret in the morning...when I'm up at 4:45am running...from the potential serial killer...who needs directions.  Did I mention I was a criminal justice major in college?

What do you get when the likelihood of success in your second marriage is 30%?  Two people who understand the importance of keeping their marriage a priority!  When the husband and I need some alone time, we've come up with what we call "sneaky dates".  Yes, it sounds very seductive and romantic, but in reality it's a time for us to enjoy a warm meal & movie without the children. It's simple, but effective; we feed our kids peanut butter and jelly or noodles for dinner and when they're sleeping we order pizza or get take out, watch a movie, and pretend we're dating again.  When it seems like our children and life are taking over, this puts us back in balance.  Try it once and you'll be hooked!

Let's not forget about those mini vacations we moms call "going to the bathroom alone"!  I'll admit it, I lock the door and tune out the screaming of the kids and kick the matchbox cars back under the door when they hit my feet.  Sometimes I sit there just a little longer than necessary and ignore that voice saying, "it's too quiet out there, that can only be bad!.  I think of all the time I had alone before kids that I never appreciated, now I'm over the moon happy if I can have two minutes alone in the bathroom...no one tells you about that at baby class!

Everyone struggles to find that perfect balance, for me it's the mom/wife/woman tightrope I walk everyday!  We all fall off and beat ourselves up over it, when we should be proud we have the strength to get back up and try again:)

My first blog...life is about trying new things, right?!  When I contemplated writing a blog my first thought was, "what do I have to share that others could relate to?".  I'm a 36 year old stay at home mom of two young children, step-mother of three, divorcee, and an average woman trying to balance it all.  Can anyone out there in blog land relate?  If not, I'll just start writing this as "Dear Diary" and consider it very cheap therapy.

Let's just jump in with a confession, I live in 1955 and love it!  I know the women liber's our there would be so disappointed that they worked so hard to get us the right to have a 9-5 job on a full time job at home (thank you so much), but I decided when my son was born two years ago that I was sick of doing both.  Since then I have become Betty home maker (with a touch of Betty Draper) who loves to cook, clean, do laundry, and the daunting task of taking care of my husband and five children.  I even went as far as to have a custom smock apron made to function exactly the way I wanted!  Is it the sexy French maid apron my husband would have picked out?  No, but it keeps my shirt clean from food when I'm baking so when I take it off Cole (the 2 year old) can put a booger streak across my shoulder or wipe his cheeto orange hands on it.

Why do I love living in 1955 and taking care of my family in a way that works for us?  I have this friend called perspective that comes around when I need it and slaps me in the face and says, "go back to 2006 and remember!".  Ah, the year that showed me what rock bottom looks like!  I was a 30 year old, recent divorcee, who had to accept the possibility that I would never remarry or have children, and that was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life.  To be honest, I was pretty sure those two things would never happen after I had to start dating again. (Side note: For those of you who are married and not happy, work on it as hard as possible, dating sucks!!!)  So, nurturing my marriage and family everyday is my full time job and I'm damn good at it because I know what the other side looks like, and it's ugly.

Thank you to my two readers!

The "Real Housewife of Owatonna" signing off...for now:)