10 Things They Don't Tell You at Baby Class!

Remember when we paid our fee for baby class and thought they would get us ready for labor, delivery, and the baby?!  We finished our four weeks of class and thought, I'm ready to have a baby!  Then that first real contraction started...the breathing to relax now became breathing to stay alive, and we wanted a refund of our $35 because no one told you it would be that horrible!  Only after about the first two months did we realize labor was the easy part.  The ten things they don't tell you or aren't brutally honest about in baby class...

1. For most of us, labor sucks!  For those of you who had "an easy labor that really didn't hurt and only lasted for 30 minutes", you're usually the same bitches (I couldn't come up with a nicer word, sorry) who wore your pre-pregnancy jeans home from the hospital.  Heads up, no one wants to hear those stories and most of us want to slap you.  I'm very honest with my childless or first time pregnant friends when I tell them; labor is a pain that can't be described in words, yes,  it's that bad!  There is no amount of counting breathes, sitting on the toilet, taking a bath, or walking down the hall to make it better.  I had a natural birth (not by chose) with my first and drugs with the second (completely by chose), and I discovered that after both paths the reward was still the same, a baby!  

2. Sleep is a thing of the past!  Yes, babies eventually sleep through the night and when you think they're on a schedule, teething kicks in followed by night terrors followed by nightmares followed by...you get the point .  For good measure we'll also throw in some "just because" waking up, just to remind you their still there.  The worst part is when they trick you into thinking they're on a schedule and they firmly reinforce that your control and forced schedule is simply an illusion!   

3. Teething goes on forever and ever and ever...ok, so about two years, but it feels like forever!  Crying at all hours of the day, drooling, diarrhea, and fevers to name a few horrors that go along with it.  It's our fist slap in the face lesson as parents of feeling completely helpless that we can't help our own child and it sucks!

4. Catching throw up in your hands.  I'm pretty sure not everyone does this, but my instinct when the kids are going to throw up and we can't get to a bowl or toilet is to cup my hands and catch it!  It probably doesn't bother me because it's always better than a 3am wake up call with throw up on the walls, carpet, bedding, pajamas, and in their hair.  Refer back to #1, remember when we were just getting home at 3am?  We're still up, but now we're giving a sick child a bath picking hot dogs and macaroni out of their hair from their last meal.

5. Modesty is a thing of the past.  Simple private moments like changing my clothes and going to the bathroom become a public event.  Why do I get up before my family every morning?  Because I want to dress alone and have one pee in peace!  As your kids get older seeing you naked is not a good thing, it ends with questions like "Mom, why is your stomach sticking out? (those aren't my stomach), "Mom, why is your stomach so big?" (that's all you kid).   When my three year old poked at my belly when I was changing one day and said, "squishy squishy", I realize modesty was out the window, but I would like some of my self esteem back thank you.

6. Your body with never be quiet the same.  My stomach is squishy, I have stretch marks, and my hips are wider than before children.  I'm not ashamed of it, I carried and produced two children...oh, and the 70 and 80 pounds I gained with my kids didn't help the matter either.  What can I say, I'm an overachiever:)  Give yourselves a break ladies, we created a human being and we're in the trenches of motherhood.  Consider those stretch marks your battle scars, we earned them!

7. Things you thought would be so awesome to do with your kids become something you dread. I had this Norman Rockwell image of me pushing my kids on the swing (I'm a size 8 with flowing thick hair blowing in a soft breeze) and reading them books with warmth in my heart.  I appreciate that my kids like to swing and read books, but after hours upon hours upon hours of pushing and reading...I can't take it anymore! After the tenth time of "Goodnight Moon" in one day, I start to wonder, why is there a creepy old woman, who looks like a rabbit, saying "hush"?!  And why would I give a mouse a cookie?  Or take one to school for that matter?  Sometimes when I'm pushing my daughter on the swing I think...if I won the lottery I would hire a nanny just to push her on the swing...yup, that's what I would do.  I'm snapped back into reality when the girl yells that I'm not pushing her high enough!

8. There's a trade off.  Before you had kids the meaning of afternoon delight was not a nap!  Remember when going out started at 8:00pm?  Now you have to be home by 8:00pm because paying a babysitter is really expensive and not worth it.  You will, at some point, choose sleep over sex.  Sorry guys, it happens, we're tired!

9. You will talk about poop more than you care to admit.  Your children's poop becomes an indicator for illness, teething, diet and constipation. Poop, poop, and more poop...what color is it? What consistency is it?  Is there blood in it?  Is it too hard? Is it too soft?   It's normal to have poop conversations with your spouse, friends, and family...I even had to bring a stool sample in a double baggie (in my coach purse) to the doctor.

10. You will become your parents!  Phrases like, "because I told you so", "because I'm the mom, that's why", "we'll see", "we're going to discuss this when your dad gets home", and my all time favorite "I'm not mad, just disappointed!".   You can run, but you can't hide from having a little bit of your parents come out.

Even with all the warnings and truth of parenting, most of us would do it again! No one can tell you how wonderful the hugs, kisses, laughs, and cuddling are with your children until you experience it. And in those moments of overwhelming love; all the hard work, stretch marks, and fatigue melt away to the smallest inconvenience not even worth thinking about.  

5 Things I Swore I Would Never Do...but Did!

"I'll never...", I've eaten those words more times than I care to admit!  We all do it, swear we're never going to do something until we realize what marriage, kids, and life in general are really about.  So, here are 5 things (there are many more, but I could write a book) I swore I would never do, but did...

1. Get divorced!  What woman doesn't want to be the princess for the day?  I had the beautiful white dress, family and friends surrounding me, a perfect day...except for the groom.  The problem is when the wedding is the main focus and not the marriage. We've all been to a wedding that we think, "they should not be getting married, it's not going to last".  Yup, I was that person!  When the big "D" happened I became one of those people and only a short time before judged those divorcees as "failures and quitters".  Would I take the big D back? Nope!  I met and married the  most awesome man that I met at a divorce support group.  Internet dating is for suckers, just hit up the divorce groups:)

2. Let kids sleep in my bed.  I'm not a co-sleeper and my kids never slept with us as babies, the youngest never even got to sleep in the bassinet in our room.  I love you little man, but Mommy is way more confident this time around, to your crib for you...see you in two hours!  When did my no kids or dogs in the bed change?  When my 1.5 year old decided his new wake up time would be 3:30/4:30 am, I like to believe that'll do it to anyone.  I would let him lay with me just to get another thirty minutes.  Until your sleep deprived for days upon days you don't realize how priceless thirty minutes can be.  Or until you're a parent!

3. Be a stay at home mom. I was 100% planning to go back to work until my son was born and I realized having two children under two was not double the work, but felt like triple the work.  My employer at the time wasn't family friendly and my daycare situation pretty well sucked.  For an entire year I had this lost, confused, "what the hell did I do" look on my face and I have witnesses to prove it. The image I had of "SAHM's" was completely wrong; I underestimated the stress, and worried every day about breaking the bank giving up an entire income.  Are there days I would like to go back to work?  You bet!  Then I think about monthly performance reviews, outside education, and essentially working two full time jobs and I realize I'll take the tantrums, diapers, and screaming any day over the corporate b.s.!

4. Run. I swore for years I would only run if someone was chasing me with a knife, and that may even be questionable. Last year I decided to finally cross "run a 5k" off my bucket list.  I can say with a smile on my face that I did just that and ran a 5 mile race also.  This year I'm already signed up for two races and have at least two more planned.  I can honestly say I'm not really sure why I like it and on many occasions I've thought of it more as self punishment than a hobby.  But the sadist in me keeps doing it and I have no idea why?  I've spit on myself on numerous occasions, peed myself a little (ok, it may have been more than a little), dry heaved more times then I can count, almost gotten hit by cars, and got so hot during the 5 mile race I started swaying and almost passed out (but I finished:)!  What negates all of that...one hour of complete alone time, pushing myself to new goals, and the overwhelming feeling I get when I see my family at the finish line cheering for me and the rush of personal accomplishment when I cross that finish line.  I suddenly heard Whitney Houston signing "One Moment in Time"...yup, that's what it's like:)


5. Use television as a babysitter.  Raise your hand out there in mommy land if you've never used the television as a babysitter, even for 10 minutes, to get something done?  If you answered "no", you're a big fat LIAR!  When we have our first child we swear we're never going to be "that mother" who puts our kids in front of the tv to go into "the zone" of peace and quiet.  When does that all change?  When they're old enough to move and start destroying your house, but will sit for a couple of minutes (or hours, don't judge me) so we can get something done.  Or when you have more than one and they don't take naps at the same time.  As I'm writing this my daughter is watching PBS kids while my son sleeps.  Should she be reading books or doing a leappad, probably!  She can names at least five dinosaurs and will tell you she wants to be a paliontalogist, thank you evil "Dinosaur Train".   For the honest moms out there, I'll keep your secret if you'll keep mine?!  And for you mommies of babies, never say never!

I believe we have these moments of self awareness to remind us we're not perfect and to not judge those around us because one day that could be us!  If someone would have told me ten years ago I would be a divorcee, remarried, stay at home mother of five children, I would have laughed in your face.  Life takes us in directions we never expect, hold on and enjoy the ride:)

Where do you fall in the crazy range?

I have this theory about women that I usually only share with men because some women (who I'm most likely not friends with) would be offended.  So, if you're one of "those women" stop reading and move onto your next blog about how men are so horrible and your perfect, the one called "I live in dream land with rainbows and unicorns!".  My 3.5 year old lives in that land, she also believes I'm a good dancer, that's how realistic it is!

My theory on women (including myself): every woman is crazy!  I believe that sums it up, thanks for listening:)  Yes, I believe every woman is born with some crazy, but how much determines where you land in the crazy range.  It might sound like a simple theory, but there are more factors than just "crazy", let's not forget about drama, bitchiness, and maintenance that can also increase your level.  My spectrum looks something like this; 1 is the lowest amount of crazy (I like to think it's me, but the husband may disagree) and 100 is the highest crazy you can obtain (you'll hear who owns that coveted spot below). Work hard ladies and you can achieve "crazy" success and drive everyone around you insane!

I started thinking about this when I grew up and realized I was raised by the queen of crazy!  Queen Crazy has always held the #1 spot, some have come close but never dethroned her.  The older and wiser I get the more effort I make to surround myself by women who have very little crazy, maintenance, bitchiness, and drama.  Needless to say, I have very few close women friends and no relationship with the Queen.  My best friend and I have never had a fight, we laugh about other women's self made drama, and understand our relationship is always important even if we don't talk for a week or two.  Two low rated crazies having a peaceful, grown up, loving, drama free relationship...friendship heaven!

The reason I explain this to men is because they need to be honest with themselves about how much crazy they can handle.  We're all bringing some, but you better be willing to accept and work with the amount you take on.  If you date someone who is high maintenance and lots of crazy, don't complain when they bring all of that and more into your relationship.  This applies to women as well! If you surround yourself with friends that makes drama and has a high crazy rating, either accept it or move on.  My husband knows how to handle my crazy...I'm a low maintenance girl who will call him an asshole in the morning when he's mean to me in my dreams, threaten to put voodoo curses on fishing, and tell him if he ever thinks about leaving me I get our friends in the divorce (they were mine first:)!  I like to consider this a "good crazy" because it doesn't involve any crying, screaming, or pouting.

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter where people land in the crazy range, what really matters is knowing how much crazy your willing to let into your life and taking responsibility for it.  You choose the amount of crazy you let in! 

Ladies, embrace your crazy and surround yourself by others like you!  And men, be honest about how much you can handle, not every man is brave (or stupid) enough to take on a top grade crazy.

To quote Forest Gump, "crazy is as crazy does"!

Walking on the Mommy Tightrope!

Balance! It's such a simple word, but in reality it's probably harder to obtain than my goal weight.  We struggle as mothers to take care our family and ourselves, fighting back the guilt along the way.  When I go out I always call home to make sure everyone is ok, when the husband is out fishing I think he might forget he has a family all together while in the fishing trance, "Heather who?...ohhh, big fish!".

I'm one of those control freak mothers that trusts very few people with my kids, so dropping them off at a gym daycare is out of the question. I'm sure they're dependable people, but if I haven't known someone for at least six months and done a background check on them (yes, there is a free website to do criminal checks and if your friends with me I've probably looked you up!) they're probably not watching my kids.  So, I've taken up running after the kids go to bed or getting up at the God forsaken time of 4:45am to get 30-45 minutes of alone time.  Just me, the beautiful stars, the birds, and the mace clenched in my right hand for the poor s.o.b who stops to ask me for directions...I may have read too many true crime books in college!

Back to fishing (my husband is now actually reading this and not just scanning it)...when the husband is fishing there is nothing better then watching a movie I actually want to see and there is no compromise involved.  I can pick out the most ridiculous chick flick, maybe put the kids to bed a few minutes (or an hour) earlier, and scoop up a big bowl of ice cream I'm going to regret in the morning...when I'm up at 4:45am running...from the potential serial killer...who needs directions.  Did I mention I was a criminal justice major in college?

What do you get when the likelihood of success in your second marriage is 30%?  Two people who understand the importance of keeping their marriage a priority!  When the husband and I need some alone time, we've come up with what we call "sneaky dates".  Yes, it sounds very seductive and romantic, but in reality it's a time for us to enjoy a warm meal & movie without the children. It's simple, but effective; we feed our kids peanut butter and jelly or noodles for dinner and when they're sleeping we order pizza or get take out, watch a movie, and pretend we're dating again.  When it seems like our children and life are taking over, this puts us back in balance.  Try it once and you'll be hooked!

Let's not forget about those mini vacations we moms call "going to the bathroom alone"!  I'll admit it, I lock the door and tune out the screaming of the kids and kick the matchbox cars back under the door when they hit my feet.  Sometimes I sit there just a little longer than necessary and ignore that voice saying, "it's too quiet out there, that can only be bad!.  I think of all the time I had alone before kids that I never appreciated, now I'm over the moon happy if I can have two minutes alone in the bathroom...no one tells you about that at baby class!

Everyone struggles to find that perfect balance, for me it's the mom/wife/woman tightrope I walk everyday!  We all fall off and beat ourselves up over it, when we should be proud we have the strength to get back up and try again:)

My first blog...life is about trying new things, right?!  When I contemplated writing a blog my first thought was, "what do I have to share that others could relate to?".  I'm a 36 year old stay at home mom of two young children, step-mother of three, divorcee, and an average woman trying to balance it all.  Can anyone out there in blog land relate?  If not, I'll just start writing this as "Dear Diary" and consider it very cheap therapy.

Let's just jump in with a confession, I live in 1955 and love it!  I know the women liber's our there would be so disappointed that they worked so hard to get us the right to have a 9-5 job on a full time job at home (thank you so much), but I decided when my son was born two years ago that I was sick of doing both.  Since then I have become Betty home maker (with a touch of Betty Draper) who loves to cook, clean, do laundry, and the daunting task of taking care of my husband and five children.  I even went as far as to have a custom smock apron made to function exactly the way I wanted!  Is it the sexy French maid apron my husband would have picked out?  No, but it keeps my shirt clean from food when I'm baking so when I take it off Cole (the 2 year old) can put a booger streak across my shoulder or wipe his cheeto orange hands on it.

Why do I love living in 1955 and taking care of my family in a way that works for us?  I have this friend called perspective that comes around when I need it and slaps me in the face and says, "go back to 2006 and remember!".  Ah, the year that showed me what rock bottom looks like!  I was a 30 year old, recent divorcee, who had to accept the possibility that I would never remarry or have children, and that was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life.  To be honest, I was pretty sure those two things would never happen after I had to start dating again. (Side note: For those of you who are married and not happy, work on it as hard as possible, dating sucks!!!)  So, nurturing my marriage and family everyday is my full time job and I'm damn good at it because I know what the other side looks like, and it's ugly.

Thank you to my two readers!

The "Real Housewife of Owatonna" signing off...for now:)